yo. my wife said my run-in's with apollo creed and such was just a dream. but i got a story to tell all y'all, and this gotsta be real, cuz its on tape. well, here's the whole thing...

the followin information is not just my rememberance, but also footage from HBO's taxicab confections. those sneaky bastards videotaped shaq durin his cab ride home. well, you'll see why he had to take a cab in a second. i mighta sued those guys, but have you seen g-string divas?! glory be!! keep it real, fellas.

i was comin home from the basketball game in one of my cars, and i forgot that i had to refill the tank after every 15 miles. so i was forced to take a cab like a pleasant. yo that cab musta been some kinda low-rider, cuz when i got in that bumper was scrapin against the ground. and without my onstar satellite commoonications, i got lost and couldnt find my way home. and the taxi driver was like yellin at me in some kind of language... i think it was foren. so i decided to pick up one of those maps of the stars homes. and sure enough, my house was there. i mean of course, cuz i'm a rapper, an actor, a video game supastar, and sometimes a basketball player. so i handed the driver the map and told him to go.

we ended up on a long and lonesome road. and there in front of us shined a shiny mansion. it looked like my house but it was all backwards. like our jerseys are the backwards versions of those dirty suns jerseys. but it was kinda late you know, and i figured even if it wasn't my house, they gotta love me and let me sleep ova. i mean i wasn't plannin on exercisin the area code rule or nothin (but i might have to pay some way, you know?).

 so i yelled to the driver "yo homes, smell ya later" and i looked at my kingdom, i was finally there, to sit on my throne in just my underwear. so i ring the doorbell, cuz you know, i forgot my keys. and instead of 'ding-dong', it went 'dong-ding' and i thought hm, maybe this is don king's house or something. and who should answer the door, but shaq! but he was white!

yo i remember havin had kobe read that superman comic to me with the bizarro superman, and i instantly knew what was goin on. it was like my super senses or something. but then, who should appear behind white shaq, but basketball's lex luthor himself, larry lex bird!! y'all didn't know his middle name was lex did you? (again, that was my super senses)

so i was like "what da heck is this" and white shaq was like "hey bro, you need to cool out."  but he said it all white and shit. shaq doesn't have a problem with that, it just sounds weird comin out of shaq's mouf, you know what i mean? then larry bird was like "i'm workin for sacramento now. and they hired me to make someone capable of stopping the shaq. oh yeah, and they said he had to be white, too (like the rest of their team, cuz you know they like to coordinate and stuff)" and i was like "no shit?!" and white shaq was like "all-encompassingly." and i was like "that's it. we be ballin'."

so we took it to the court. yeah, i don't really have to tell y'all who won that game, cuz it was me. i mean clearly, cuz you know, shaq got rhythm, and white shaq do not. so we made a greement. i would be the only shaq (white or blaq) to be in the nba. but then we needed somethin to do with white shaq. so we painted him black, and changed his name from "white shaq" to "byron o'nelson." then we enrolled him in john hopkins unaversity. i think he's doin alright there, but there's some frat there that keeps tryin to kick his ass. so if you see byron o'nelson, shout him a holla from the real shaq.

so let shaq remind you, please please do not endorse any of my other impostors, for example this morose mail right here. he is trying to siphon off the steez that belongs to meez. so ladies keep it flowin', and then keep goin', to the real xanga page. especially you, miss michelle branch. i love you baby.

-Shaq

i was wondering why miss michelle branch has so many fans where as shaq do not. i mean i gots like 30 of y'all holla'in back but she get's like eleventy billion. she sings. she sings good. but that's all she do! shaq is an alterran man. i rap, i act, and i play basketball! come on folks. you know how shaq do. no do what's good for me and you. is it just cause she's got the bedonkadonk? yo michelle if you reading this... don't evah change. i love you baby.

-Shaq

it has come to my attention that some of my hoes and some of my honeyz and some of my homies are only friends with shaq for the money. here's a way for you to prove yourself. go to http://shaqoneal.friendtest.com. Thanks for partakin in my quiz, it really means a lot. I love y'all more than you know.

-Shaq

sorry folks. again i was on a mission. well sort of... here's the whole thing.

i was shaqnapped! i went to sleep in my shaq sized heart shaped bed and when i woke up i was in athens, grease. apparently the world was in perils. the balance of power was all mucked up. it was like when i was playing for the magic, it just wasn't right. the only way to fix the problemation was to play basketball with the gods, old skool.

zeus and i were captains. we flipped a coin to see who would pick first. yo he musta hooked up some kinda blue chips deal with fortuna cause he kept getting heads. haha getting head. so anyway he picked herpes. i was like, "i don't know man. you shouldn't pick herpes." and zeus was like, "i know what i'm doing." and i said, "i'm just saying you shouldn't pick em... or scratch em." haha. oh yeah a little aside, i have a stand up comedy dvd out in stores right now. pick it up. but don't pick up herpes.

haha. so then i picked afroditie. yo i got my reasons. wife, if you're reading this.. you know the area codes rule. then he picked apollo creed. then all that was left was artemis and haties. and you all know the way shaq plays. i can't tear it up with haters. so i went with arti. besides you always want the mean bitches fighting for you not against you. see wife, i'm learning. so then we gots to playing. jesus was the ref. i don't know why he just was.

so zeus and i came to the center for the tipoff, and i snatched that shit right out from in front of him. and the game began. and that god plays dirty, he was throwin elbows like charles barkley or somethin'. but i still made it to the hole. we kept playin' and those honies never told me to pass it to em. they musta been paintin' their nails or some girly nonsense. so then it was just me, versus 3 gods. but somehow, on a breakaway, it ended up just bein me and apollo creed. i juked left, and he was there. i went right with the crossover between the legs, and he was there. so what i end up doin, is running straight down the middle, jumpin up, and then jumpin off his shoulders to land a signature shaq slamma jamma up in his face. as the broken pieces of backboard glass rained down on my head, i yelled "live at the apollo, me whoopin' yo ass."

so then we had to wait 15 minute before they put up another backboard. during which i exercised the area code rule with that fine afro-diva. then it was back to the game. seeing that they was losin', zeus dropped a low blow on my pork and beans, that made me drop to my knees. jesus was like, "yo shaq, can you go on?" and i was like "i don't know, savior, i think i need some chocolaty crunch goodness." And jesus was like "i know where i can get one of those" and he went down to the garden of eden, and plucked a crunch bar right off the crunch bar tree. so i was like "thanks jesus, but couldn't you have got me a apple too? hah, just kiddin."

so i took a bite right outta that mighty crunch bar, looked zeus straight in his eye, and said "i got yo ass." and the game continued, the score was now 20 - 19 of our game to 21. so in a pathetic attempt by zeus, he tried to roll out the haq shaq. he gave me a mighty hug, which forced me to take 2 free throws. i had to chances and i only needed to make 1. needless to say, i missed both. and so we lost the game, but apparently that's what needed to happen to save the world.

so see? there is a reason i miss those free throws. and to say thank you, afro-ditey was willin to do anything.. i don't need to get into the shaq details on that one, you know how shaq do it! then herpes brought me back to my bed, and i made sure he did not touch it. and i closed my eyes, and went back to sleep.

dee end.

- Shaq

           ^ for you afroditie

sorry folks i was on a mission. i was just like moses or something searching for the lost arc. i saw kobe's ugly mug on a sprite can and i was just like, 'what da heck is dis?' now shaq is a face you want to see on your soda. not kobe. just think about it... you got shaq's face on a can and you bring it to your mouth... it's jut like kissing me! you don't want to kiss kobe. you want to kiss shaq. so i went out to make that happen for all y'all. i talked to a lot of different companies. it was a lot of hard work. but the decision was made super easy when one company promised me i could write, direct, and star in the commercial for my soda! that company was the good people of stop and shop. and i enjoyed their dr. perfect an extra shaq sized amount. so that will be the new shaq soda. plus since i'm doing the commercial for dr. perfect i think i get some kind of medical degree or something. so here's my whole idea... i get gary coleman standing there. he takes a sip of dr. perfect then there is one of those old batman tv show bam screens. and then room fills with smoke. and then when the smoke fades away i'm standing there. and i say, 'bring of the shaq in you.' i might throw in a scene where i beat up mr. t but i don't know. just an idea. well that's it.

-Shaq